Do not worry

I worry about Theo. I don't like the fact he's had this virus now for 4 days and that he's eating so little. I can't help but attribute some part of it to the twins arrival. He started feeling sick on Tuesday night and they got here on early Sunday morning and it's been such a whirlwind I can't even remember how he was acting before getting sick. I'm sure he'll be fine but he is not fine now, and that weighs on my heart and mind. As much as I'm amazed by how effortlessly the twins have adjusted to us. I think about Theo and it makes me sad to wonder if a bit of the emotionality is jealousy or anger at the new arrivals. And not just lack of sleep and feeling lousey. Poor guy.

I'm sad but I KNOW he's going to be fine. He's going to adjust to all this. And so will I. I guess I just wish I could reassure him NOW and make it clear to him NOW that it is OK. That there's nothing to worry about. That while a lot has changed -- we haven't changed. I'm still his and he's mine. That's hard to communicate to an almost 2 year old.

He cries really easily these days and also gets angry fast. Doesn't want to eat. Can't sleep because he's sick and feels terrible. Puked 2 times. Doctor says it's a virus and another kid we know also has this virus and he also feels lousy and isn't acting himself.

It could be I'm just reading into things too much. But that's what mom's do eh? We fret about our kids.

I look at Amani and I can tell he has a lazy eye. I saw it right away. I had a lazy eye too. I think it was the same one as Amani; the left eye. It's SO obvious with Amani because he's very focused for a little 13 month old when he works on something and then off goes his left eye to some other place than what's in front of him. Amani is little too and not weak exactly but when sat beside Zeke he looks more frail. Zeke is sort of a monster even though he's only 1 kilo bigger than Amani there's just something more HARDY about Zeke. And so here I go again and worry about Amani. About his eye. About the fact that he doesn't seem to work his legs yet. Things that I'm hoping will sort themselves out and could be attributed to a lot of things. Yet...

Zeke also has a lazy eye not as blatant as Amani but it's there. And he's got some weird skin thing going on that is just not ok. Little pustule things on his face and hands. I'm taking him to the doctor and having that checked out. Ew. I hate skin things. I had flesh-eating bacteria in Peace Corps and I think I'm scarred for life (no pun intended). It just makes me itch.

And Lana, what am I worrying about with her. Well she's un-potty trained herself. That had NOTHING to do with the twins and everything to do with the poo poo experience from Hell. I will spare you details but suffice it to say that after two hell-poo experiences she had to go on laxatives for 2 weeks in order to go #2 AND psychologically accept that pooing didn't have to be a horror movie. And so she un-potty trained herself. It was traumatic. For me and her. God I want her to be potty trained. God I want all of them to be potty trained! I really don't like poo. I don't like diapers. I don't like washing my hands knowing I just touched poo. YUCK!

How's that for honest.

But I LOVE them, my lazy-eyed, traumatized, emotional messes. It's cool because I'm one too. So we get each other.

So God. In case your eavesdropping I know I'm not -supposed- to worry but I am and I do. So since I'm so tired because Theo kept me up the entire night because he was sick-sad or sad-sick for who-knows-what-reason but the end result is that I'm too tired tonight-even to worry.

So tag you're IT. I'm going to bed.

Zeke

This is Zeke.

For me, he was the one I wasn't sure about.  What he'd be like, how we'd be together. Don't ask me why.  I don't know. But let me tell you something about Zeke.

I think part of me was looking for him.

Zeke is sweet and silly. He chuckles, he doesn't laugh.  He's portly. He likes to catch your eye and grin.  And when he really likes you he snuggles his head onto your shoulder and just...
Let's his whole body sigh into you.

Amani is wonderful but I KNEW Amani was wonderful.  Again it makes no sense but there was something that I fell in love with Amani when I looked at his pictures and looked into his eyes.  He IS peaceful and sweet. He settles his brother when his brother is uneasy.

Zeke took me by surprise.  Zeke loves to challenge himself.  Tummy time is where he is all the time.  Not Amani. Amani can't do tummy time to save his life. He starts whining after 2 seconds (if that).  Zeke will try and pull himself up on something and then he just stands there chuckling at the world, with this deep boyish huh-huh-huh.  It's all amusing to him.  And it's all good.

And he's Lana's brother.  Yes, they are still claiming their respective brothers. Lana's is Zeke.

They are really cute to watch together. Lana will ask me to bring Zeke upstairs if she's going upstairs. Or she'll want to sit with him at lunch.  I didn't expect that part either, the brother-claiming, but hey whatever works for people eh?

The other thing about the brothers is that they obviously care about each other. And work together. Zeke is the leader and if Zeke is happy usually Amani is happy.  But as I said before Amani settles his brother down. Zeke likes to charge into things Amani gently checks things out and takes things in.  He evaluates situations and while he might start off cautious if Zeke is unhappy; he makes his own decision and then somehow seems to relay his appraisal to Zeke. And if Amani says something is alright. Then it's alright with Zeke.

We always feed them together because it's just easier.  It's an assembly line. And these boys can eat.  Like 2-3 cups of food no problem in one sitting. Gone. And they yell at you in these little high pitch yowls if you go to slow. Yah! Yah! Yah!  Amani got some food on his face during dinner and Zeke just nonchalantly catches his brother by the shoulder and wipes his face off with his other hand.

I think they are so lucky to have each other.

So what is it about Zeke that makes him feel like... home.

I wish I could tell you I don't understand it myself.  But I'm glad he's mine to love.

It's a Hard Day's Night

We had one of those nights.

At 10pm we congratulated ourselves on another day done and went to bed.

10:15pm we heard Theo moaning and then we heard a pitiful cry...

He had puked ALL OVER THE PLACE.  His pillow, his special blankie, himself.  He was pitiful, hence the cry.

Together Neil and I do damage control, put on new sheets, new pjs, substitute back-up blankie for special blankie and throw all the destroyed things into the washing machine. Theo is burning up so I give him some Tylenol.

10:40pm Put Theo back to sleep, and settle to go back to sleep ourselves.  Then Neil hears a mosquito. 

I can't sleep I heard a mosquito and now I'm worried about Lana.

Lana's asleep on our floor (camping out).  She's wanted to be close by since the twins got here and we figure we'll let her be; it makes her feel close to us.  But that means she's not under a mosquito net.

Maybe we can move her to the foot of the bed and put the mosquito net over her?

Sure.

We both get out of bed.  Neil drags Lana's sleeping pad and I push her pillow across the floor to the foot of our bed.  Then  we arrange the mosquito net over her.  We look at each other, satisified.

That was easy.

11:00pm We get back into bed.

Neil: I just hate mosquitos.
me:  I know, hon.
Neil: I hate mosquitos the way I hate the New York Yankees.
me: snicker. O, my.  Well, Lana's safe now.
both: Good night.

11:45pm Amani coughs himself awake and starts crying.  We grab him and put him in the middle of us.  Neil and Amani do fine going back to sleep but I can't sleep because those two start snoring.  So I beg Neil to go sleep in the room with Zeke (on the king size bed in there).  That way all the snorers can be together.

1am  Theo starts to cry again and I go and see what he wants.  He's thirsty so I get him some juice (since he puked up everything I figure I'd be extra nice) and then he wants to go to sleep in my room.  Luckily I have an opening since Neil and Amani are in with Zeke.

1:30am  Theo and I fall back asleep. 

Aww the silence of no snoring...

6:30am EVERYONE wakes up. Ugh.

Neil says that Amani kept waking himself up by coughing so Neil didn't sleep so great either.  The both of us are a bit half-baked today.

10:30am Amani and Zeke both pass out because they didn't sleep that well last night.

Getting to Know You...

Getting to know all about you.  Getting to like you...

We are doing really well.  Lana has decided that her brother is Zeke (or Zeekey to HER) and Theo has claimed Amani (Manny). 

Lana and Theo are a bit sick. And so are Zeke and Amani.  The first two have a fever and are extra sensitive when they are sick.  The second two just seem to produce copious amounts of boogers.

The first two usually get a lot of extra kisses and hugs and poor-baby-are-you-not-feeling-wells when they're sick.  And let's face it with 2 other kids in the mix there's less of that going on.  So a few let's-quit-being-nice-and-start-getting-real-moments were inevitable.

Lana are you ok?

NO. I'm having a moment. I want to be by myself. And she goes up to lay down in mama and daddy's bed.

But that's it.  Pretty mature for a 3 yr old. eh?  And UTTERLY ATYPICAL.  Lana is a DRAMA QUEEN.  Who is this kid???  I went upstairs to feel her forehead just to be sure her fever hadn't spiked.  And nope, totally under control.  suspicious.  I gave her some extra squeezes and kisses and asked her to help me find some batteries for some flashlights since we keep losing power.  She happily bounced out of bed and helped me with our 'job'.  She loves jobs. She's 3.  I'm hoping to keep her this way until she leaves the house.

Theo on the other hand just has meltdowns when it all gets to be too much.  He'll drop his spoon and it's the end of the world.  His reserves are nonexistent when he's sick.  He's one of those people that will really carry on when they're older. And so it goes without saying that he will not stand anyone touching his blankie. Blankies are very important in this house.  Lana has one too.  But when Theo loses his cool EVERYONE loses their cool because of the pterodactyl-dementor-scream-of-despair.  He once tortured a flight from Dubai to SF with this scream when he got really really really overtired.  OUR FELLOW PASSENGERS WERE NOT HAPPY OR IMPRESSED WITH US AS PARENTS.  We were accused of neglect.  Yes, it's that bad.

Amani didn't know about Theo's blankie.  Or really have any idea that Theo wasn't feeling very good.

And then he touched Theo's blankie.  And THEN he yanked it to his face.

uh. oh.

BLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNKKIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE MMMMMMMMMMMMINNNE!

Amani looked like he'd been slapped.  And Theo was already SCREAMING --- OOOH the INJUSTICE!
cue the scene where the dementor sucks out all the happiness from the world...

Lana was watching all this (with a slight fever on the couch). 

She looked at me and said, "Don't I have other blankies. In case I lose mine?"

Well, yes you do. They are in your closet.

I'm going to give one to Amani... and to Zeke.

You don't have to Boo (that's her nickname). They're yours.

No. Mommy. I want to.
Ok.

Exhibit A - Blankie.

Which goes to show with the ups and downs.  The ups are pretty damn cool.

I'm one proud mommy today. My three year old is freaking amazing. And Theo?  Oh, well, we're all HUMAN here, so I think he deserves a little grace today. Poor guy.  And the best thing was that she did it for Amani, who according to their divisioning of the brothers... isn't even HER brother...

Hard to say hello-goodbye

I woke up today to Lana sneaking in to our bedroom...per the usual.  She's always first to get up.  She stands quietly by my bed until I'm awake and I pull back the mosquito net to let her climb over me to lay down between Daddy and I.  Even so that she's in the bed she scoots herself up against my back so that I'm perched at the edge of the bed. We finally get comfortable and I hear Theo chatting to himself. Because it is the first day the twins are here and because they got in at 1am I get up so that kid2 (theo) doesn't wake up kid3 (Zeke) and kid4 (Amani). 

So kid1 (Lana) and kid2 and I go upstairs.

Later, I hear stirring downstairs and figure it is time to check on kid3 and kid4.  Lana has been so excited to meet her brothers in person that she barrels down the stairs like an elephant. She didn't want to go to sleep last night so that she could welcome them home but sleep won out.  Now she's determined to get a good look at these guys. 

So she walks into the room and stares at them.  They stare back with a very clear -- where am I and who are you?  look on their face.

And then kid3 starts to cry.

Soon kid4 joins in.

And kid1, well kid1 lets out this wounded moan-cry-scream that I never have heard before and never want to hear again.

Oh dear.  Luckily Neil walks in just as the noise is crescendoing.  Aw and did I mention kid2 (Theo) is just observing all this with a concerned furrow on his brow #oh-dear-something-seems-to-be-very-wrong-with-these-three-but-I-feel-fine.  Typical mini-Neil that Theo is.  Can't be bothered to be too sad even when he IS sad.

Neil picks up kid4 and I pick up kid3.  They stop.  Poor Lana is destitute. This was not what she had in mind. I take a few deep breaths so I don't cry in sympathy with her. 

She just wanted to see them.  She's been carrying around pictures of them and she even slept with their pictures for a while.  And last night she was quizzing Theo on who was who. 

No THAT one is AMAANNNIIII. THIS is ZEEEEKKKE. (exasperated)

Well, today is a day with three little sniffling kids, high emotion and sensitivity.  I can understand why the little guys are sad and I can understand why Lana is sad too.

She already loves them so much she can't let them cry alone is all. 

And that's not such an awful thing.

Lana.  Disorganized. Passionate. Mercurial. Observant. Stubborn. Stubborn. Stubborn. This child will change the world if she can resist the urge to combat it.  Lana confuses me because I never see her coming. I never see what she sees. And she's always watching and chronicling the world before her. And she absorbs it.  The good. And the bad. And then she expels it. I think that's the way that she copes.  She just has to push it back out there what she sees. So when she sees kindness and selflessness it's amazing to watch this three year old model it. But when there is cruelty or indifference she's the first to show how awful that can be when she acts it back out for you.  She tests everything. She listens but doesn't come easy to obedience. Obedience is different she takes everything in and then she analytically evaluates how best to proceed.  She's my negotiator. My spin doctor. And it's because of her that I learn every day (minute, second) that LOVE IS PATIENT, and must be. She tests me on that. She's my goose, my honey bear and a priceless gift because she was the one that introduced me to my greatest role--mother. For that I will always be thankful to her even if I can't always be in the same room as her!

OH, dear, Mister Theo.  Wasn't expecting this little guy to be soooooo... SNEAKY.  He looks sweet, eh?  It is a clever disguise I assure you because this little fellow is generally uptonogood. That's what his middle name SHOULD have been, little did I know.  Or perhaps if he was native american his name would be that -uptonogood-. Now. Let me be clear he is NOT intentionally a bad guy it's just that he has this strange magnetic attraction to naughtiness and I don't think he even THINKS of it as being NAUGHTY so much as that he's just CURIOUS about something.  Like the toilet. Curious, little contraption that thing. The effect of water as it is poured on various objects... FASCINATING. Toothpaste, now THIS is something to explore and experiment with!   I believe perhaps you begin to see my problem. Now Theo bless his heart is also a cuddler, a lover not a fighter, although you might be confused to thinking of him as a fighter because he is also. very. very. sensitive.  If he feels you are slighting him in ANY way.  He's. crushed. NO. he doesn't want anything to do with you. get. away. do. not. look. at. me. do. not. touch. me. do. not. EVEN. say. my. name. WE have had a falling out and if you want me back, you must beg. O, the Drama. While it begins with Lana. Drama is creatively amplified by this guy.

Zeke. Is a mystery to me still. I have yet to get him home but when I do I will fill this in further. He's the older of the twins. By how much, oh that along with about a million other things I wish I knew but never will. But he is older. His poor mama died 2 days after giving birth to him and his brother. He seems from the photos I have of him to be the more reserved of the twins (during picture taking anyhow). He's not the one who I get the picture of a smiling baby.  Which honestly worries me a little bit. They say with attachment issues you see that affect, sort of the porcelain baby doll alert stare thing.  Anyways, in another picture he was smiling so who knows?  I might have him pegged all wrong. I still have to meet him and get to know him.  We DID meet a while ago but he won't remember and it was only for minutes. On February 28th I met him and his brother for the first time - at the orphanage.  They were two of 8 babies in cribs.  Strange thing about orphanages is that babies just lay there and look at you.  Not one cries, they just look at you and sometimes, rarely they reach out for you to touch them, and maybe pick them up.  But they don't cry. And it's not like they are clean.  Some of the babies were all wet or had soiled themselves. And there they will stay in their pee and poo until the next changing. But it doesn't upset them because, that's just reality.  More to come on Zeke, when I know more.

Amani, seems like a peaceful spirit perhaps that's how he got his name, which means Peace in Swahili.  In pictures he's usually watching with those big eyes of his.  He is smiling more frequently in photos. But then he's also the one that is in pictures *being held*.  Again he's a mystery I don't know what he'll be like and I figure I'll give the boys a few months if not half a year or more to reveal that to me. Because when I get them, while it will be this wonderful moment for me; it will be a very hard day for them, possibly one of their worst,  because yet again, they are going to lose everything familiar.